Amsterdam
Lacking any enthusiasm for hard drugs and prostitution, Amsterdam is a city I never imagined I would visit. But, as any well-traveled soul knows, fate and a friend can take you to the farthest corners of the Earth. This was one of those journeys.
I took the 6pm American Airlines flight from Philadelphia International Airport to Schiphol (pronounced ‘Ski-pol’, not ‘Ship-al’) Airport just outside of Amsterdam. No upgrades to be had, but my One-World Airlines status allowed me to get a ‘Main Cabin Extra’ seat free of charge. That got me more legroom and I had no one sitting next to me.
We landed half an hour early and upon exiting the plane I saw my beautiful Travel-Wife, Doina. She was the instigator of this trip as she had family business in Amsterdam and asked if I wanted to tag along. She’s a hell of a travel planner, so I knew I was in good hands.
First order of business at 8AM Amsterdam time was to get a coffee at the airport. This is becoming a bit of a tradition with us, as there is nothing quite like that first hit of European caffeine after a flight. Finding a coffee spot (NEVER Starbucks), we caught up and waited for my beautiful Travel-Girlfriend, Svetlana. Upon her arrival our triumvirate of cappuccino-and-cocktail enthusiasts was complete, so we made our way to the train station.
I am pretty good when it comes to air travel, but Doina is an absolute wizard with trains. Even though it’s often blindingly confusing, she always manages to find out what train we need to take and what platform we need to be on. Thank God, as it confuses the shit out of me.
Our hotel in Amsterdam would be the ‘XO Couture’ in Delflandlaan (pronounced 'Dilf-Land-Land' according to Doina/ 'Delf-land-lan' by locals). She found us this fantastic hotel as it was clean, had all the amenities, and easy tram access. After depositing our bags with the front desk, we jumped on the aforementioned tram and headed towards Amsterdam city center.
Our first stop was to Albert Cuypstraat, which has the largest street market in Amsterdam. It was good to stroll and eat confectioneries after our flights. Whenever you are in a new city, I always recommend stopping by at least one local market.
As we were in Holland, home of the 'Dutch Master Painters', we naturally had to go and see at least one museum. We chose the ‘Stedelijk Museum’ (pronounced "Stiddlegggggick' by Doina/ 'Stay-ed-luk' by locals). The museum has a few Van Gogh’s and what not, but what it is known for is contemporary art.
What is contemporary art, you ask? Well readers, contemporary art is essentially art made by Gen-Xers’ and Millennials which is extremely grotesque and disturbing. For example, you could violently defecate in a plastic builders-bucket, spray paint the whole thing gold, write a plaque stating that this piece symbolizes ‘the plight of the aboriginal North Americans’ and it would probably be displayed in the Stedelijk. It’s still a museum worth visiting because there is loads of fun to be had watching the bizarrely dressed ‘intellectuals’ stand there and marvel at a video of a man jerking-off a wallaby and claiming it’s magnificent art.
Shell-shocked by the 'genius' of contemporary art, we went to a small cafe for an extremely alcoholic lunch. Four mimosas and a pot-brownie later, we were once again ready to brave the streets of Amsterdam.
A practical considerations for walking around Amsterdam: for fucks sake, don’t get run over by a cyclist. In the Netherlands, and especially Amsterdam, cyclists are at the top of the traffic food-chain. After that comes cars, then comes trams and trains, and finally the pedestrian. Bicycle ownership in Amsterdam must be over 90%, and they hate the idiot tourists trying to cross the road on foot. I believe there is a local points-system for how many they can hit...
There are crosswalks specifically for pedestrians, but once again, you are at the bottom end of the priority list. You will stand there for 20 minutes waiting for the walk sign to go green, eventually give up and run across, which will cause a cyclist to speed up and try to run you over. This happened so many times, I was genuinely concerned Svetlana was going to violently beat a cyclist to death with their own bicycle. Even though I am an avid cyclist myself, I would have applauded her actions.
We took the tram from Amsterdam Centraal back to the hotel. After a quick nap and freshening-up, we went out to dinner. Doina found us a posh restaurant in a grand hotel (the Oriole Garden Bistro), and after 2 bottles of Prosecco for the ladies and 3 Old Fashioneds for me, we went out on the dark streets of Amsterdam for what Doina REALLY wanted to see: the Red Light District.
Prostitution is legal in Holland, and there are a number of Red Light Districts in Amsterdam. The largest is ‘De Wallen’, which dates from the 13th century. Here the licensed prostitutes stand in the windows of the brothels looking for clients. If you show interest they open the door and negotiate how much you will pay and for what. Tip: if the prostitute you are looking at has a blue light in her cubicle instead of a red light, she has a penis. Go get em, tiger.
So, do men really come from all over the world and pay these women for sex? Actually, yes. I was amazed to learn that ‘De Wallen’ alone generates $100 million US dollars per year in revenue!!! It’s all a bit beyond me, if I am honest. I truly couldn’t imagine paying for sex. I would be an idiot about it and probably just end up talking to the girl because I would be interested in her life story ("How did you get here from Russia?", etc).
So now that that's out of the way, let's talk about something REALLY interesting: canal boats! Amsterdam sits on a watery-plain, and since 1100AD residents have been draining the water and building on the reclaimed land. For economic and defense purposes, a massive network of over 100 kilometers of canals has been created.
Because they are shallow and narrow, the canals require special boats. They are used for shipping goods, pleasure cruises, floating gin-palaces, and even as homes. They are a charming part of Dutch culture, and much less threatening than the angry cyclists...
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